Almost Inpatient

Inpatient at a psychiatric facility is not a place anybody wants to be.  When you have a debilitating mental illness, such as Major Depressive Disorder, there are times you realize you need to be inpatient at such a facility.  

I can’t speak for others but there have been two times in my life when I knew I needed more help than I could get from my psychiatrist, my therapist, and the medications.  It sounds absurd as I type it, that I could need more than all of that, but it is very real.  Knowing I need it does not make it easier to go, it does not make me want to go.  I am only able to acknowledge that if I don’t go there’s a good chance this illness will kill me.

A few weekends ago I made the decision that I needed more help than I’ve been getting.  Functioning on a day-to-day basis was increasingly difficult and nearing impossible.  There is nowhere in our town that serves patients without insurance on an indigent basis.  My husband Almost In-Patientdrove me three hours away to my sister’s where there were two options.  Halfway there we found out the best option had changed their policy and would not work with me as an indigent and to get into their program would cost seven thousand dollars.  Of course, this was the treatment center my doctor recommended and he had never heard of the other place.  I went to the other place anyway out of desperation.  During the intake process, I found out there was no therapy involved.  It was three days of seeing a psychiatrist once a day, the doctor may or may not alter my medications and may or may not consult with the psychiatrist I see on a regular basis.  That is not the kind of treatment I needed.  My husband and I walked out and drove three hours home.  Welcome to mental healthcare in Florida.

I lost my job recently.  I was out for the week with a note from my doctor.  I received my termination notice via text message.  I liked this job a lot, worked hard to do it well.  Being terminated was a slap in the face.  It’s difficult to get up ready to fight again after being kicked while you’re already down.  Losing my job meant my husband and I lost our mortgage loan before we even got to see one home for sale.  The voice of depression instantly barraged me with how I’ve failed yet again, that there’s really no point in trying because all I am capable of is failing.  I have numerous friends and family who assure me I am not a failure, though whether I am or not is inconsequential because I feel like I have failed.  It’s a simple case of mind over matter and my mind is in the grips of my demons right now.

Starting over.  We all have to do it at some point in our lives, some of us more than once.  Starting over is a recurring theme in my life, one I do not look forward to.  It generally comes fast and unexpectedly like a car crash, whiplash leaving me in disarray.

As I get older, there are certain parts of my life with which I crave stability.  I am forever grateful that I’ve found it in my marriage, my husband is my lifeline.  The other two major areas depend upon one another and the one is terribly elusive.  I have struggled for seventeen years to find stability with my mental health.  The other aspect of my life that I am fighting so hard to find stability in is work.  It is very hard to maintain stable employment when your mind is constantly working against you.  

Perhaps if mental health services were more readily available for those in distress, maintaining stability would be less challenging.  I wonder if holding down a good job might be easier if mental illnesses weren’t so stigmatized, if there were systems in place and it were treated like any other illness by employers?  My hope is that one day it will be treated like any other illness, and employers will be forced to treat it as such.  My hope is that I will live to see that day come to fruition, even though it may come too late to benefit me.  Right now, I need all the hope I can get.    

*Chronologically, I wrote this and should have posted it before Starting to Heal – but if you have already read Starting to Heal you might understand my brain has been a bit fuzzy and not necessarily working in chronological order!  Seriously though, what I wrote here is an important piece of my story and needed to be shared, out-of-order or not.  Thank you so much for reading



26 thoughts on “Almost Inpatient

  1. It’s not just Florida it’s everywhere in this country. My daughter is developmentally delayed and has severe PTSD (she was adopted at age 7 from an orphanage in Bulgaria). She has not lived with us for almost 8 years because she self-injures and is violent. The place she was living couldn’t handle her anymore (they were a hands off agency so all they could do is dial 911 when she got violent) so she ended up in a psychiatric hospital. I thought she would be there for a few weeks but she’s been there over 6 months. The department of developmental disabilities for the state is the worse. They have been looking for another placement for her and they said this could take a year. So she languishes in this hospital with very little in the way of real therapy for her. It’s really a horrible system. They really don’t care about their clients and they hate any family member who tries to advocate for them.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Wow. That is just… wow. It really is unbelievable how poorly this country cares for its mentally ill. Sometimes I just want to scream, “WE ARE STILL HUMAN BEINGS!!!” Especially when it comes to children who are suffering. Ugh, I wish I could help in some way, your story breaks my heart.
      Have you heard of the new DNA testing they can do which rules out psych meds a patient’s body can’t metabolize? I explain it a little bit in my post titled Starting to Heal – TToT #7. You should also check out for even more information regarding the DNA testing, it’s incredible.
      Thank you so much for reading, I wish you all the best ❤


    • So kind of you to say I’m giving light to others ❤
      Our mental health system is beyond broken, it barely exists in this country! For priding ourselves on being such an innovative country we are horribly ignorant when it comes to mental health ::sigh::
      Really appreciate your stopping by to read and thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts ❤


  2. I glad I read “Starting to Heal” before this, otherwise I would be quite worried. I am hearing far, far too many stories of treatment, both inpatient and outpatient being unavailable or inadequate, even with one or another sort of coverage, let alone that disgusting and denigrating word, “indigent.” I want this to be a country in which there is no such thing as “medically indigent,” but that is sadly not likely to happen any time soon. I grow weary and heart sick of those who talk of being their brother’s keeper until it might increase their tax bill. OK, enough rant, I’m glad you got through this episode and that you have such a strong partner in your husband. reblogging

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thanks, Bob ❤
      The healthcare system in this country, or I should say lack thereof, is disgusting. ‘Obamacare’ was supposed to make health insurance affordable for people like me and the reason I am still uninsured is because even those plans are outrageously expensive! ::sigh:: America is simply not the land of opportunity as it may have once been (long before my time) and there is no such thing as the ‘American Dream’ anymore unless you are rich. (Your rant rubbed off on me, lol)
      You’re the best, have I mentioned that before 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I know only too well about starting over, although not from a mental health status. Starting over in any context is hard and you have my heartfelt sympathies! I know, somehow, I don’t know how I know, but I know, you are strong and will come through this.

    I think people are afraid of mental health issues because they can’t see them, like you can see an amputation or something. That makes it scary, I suppose.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I appreciate your being so sure that I am strong 😉 My parents assure me of this strength I have as well lol Seriously though, thank you. Starting over IS hard, like you said in any context. Luckily, I’m doing it with a clearer head this time around.
      People are absolutely afraid of mental health issues because they can’t see them. However, you can’t technically see cancer either, though you can see the symptoms from its treatments much more clearly. Don’t get me wrong, I am not comparing. Neither illness is something to take lightly. I digress, I was simply agreeing with you!
      Much ❤ to you dear, thanks (as always) for reading and sharing your heartfelt & encouraging thoughts!

      Liked by 1 person

      • No, you’re right, you can’t see cancer as much, unless it’s something like skin cancer. Those hidden things are more frightening, they feel sneakier somehow.

        ❤ back sweetie! Always praying for you! *hugs*

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Seriously, the health care in this country is a complete joke. Even if you did have health insurance, you’d probably end up having to pay a huge amount for the care you need (and deserve). And really? They broke up with you via text? What? Are they, 14 year olds?

    Liked by 1 person

      • I’m not sure how it is in Florida, but I think in Oregon you can’t fire someone for a medical condition (which technically they did). Not sure if it’s worth the effort of pursuing, but if you have a bureau of labor (or similar) in Florida, you may want to at least file a complaint. Also, if your condition is to the point where you finding it hard to work, can you qualify for disability through social security? Sorry…my brain was active last night! 🤓🤓🤓

        Liked by 1 person

        • I am allllll over it, my friend 😉 I will be contacting the EEOC and they will determine if I have a case for discrimination. If I do, they will sue the company on my behalf (pay lawyer fees, all of it). I have contacted my doctor to find out if he thinks I am eligible for social security disability benefits, just waiting to hear back!

          You are so sweet to have been thinking about all of that for me!!! ❤

          Liked by 1 person

  5. What a struggle for you just to find help when you admit you needed it.
    You were lucky to have the love part. There is a lot of stigma out there for many things. I have trouble with that, plus career and relationships, finding those willing to give me a chance, in dating and employment. I hope stigma can improve for both of us.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Not fun but life saving. When you reach that place inside yourself where it’s either get help or check out for good, well, hopefully you can get help. Luckily I got help, despite all of the obstacles.

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I applaud you My Sweet Abbie, not only for bravely sharing your story but for standing up to express the many issues surrounding mental illness. 😍

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you, love ❤ I've realized over the years that I must accept all the pieces that make me who I am, ugly or not. Being sad and keeping quiet about it doesn't help anybody!


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