Diagnosed, Part 2

If you have not read Part One, you may want to start there.

The only thing I remember about my first visit to the psychiatrist is the diagnosis I walked away with.

It’s strange really.  I didn’t know that I had lost the memory of this experience until I went to write about it, and I felt very disconcerted upon realization.  I have no memory of how I felt about the doctor or what I said to him.  I don’t remember my reaction to the diagnosis, maybe I didn’t react at all.  Getting a mental health diagnosis can be life altering, and it certainly has been for me.  I am still confused and a bit angry when I search my brain to remember and come up completely and totally BLANK.

This diagnosis that has stolen so much from me throughout my life; it has brought me down shaking to my knees begging for salvation. It has seen me curled up in a hospital bed hysterically insisting I don’t belong there, only to have the nurse tell me that I obviously do. It has convinced me that death would be less painful than life and that my loved ones would also be better off without me. It has watched friend after friend turn their back on me because this is all “too much” for them to handle… And yet I don’t remember the day I learned the name of my curse?  I wonder if my younger self had any inkling of the implications, of the life or death battle that lay ahead once that diagnosis had been given?  

Was I angry? Hopeful that the doctor could help me?  Fearful?  Or was it just a word that I didn’t really understand at that age?  Did I keep it a secret from my friends, or did I fill them in?  Do the answers to any of these questions matter even a little bit?  Probably not.  Remembering the moment I discovered my diagnosis wouldn’t change it, nor would it change the path my life took from there, and how I’ve ended up right here writing this.  

I’d still like to remember.  

You just read Part 2 (of 4)

To Be Continued…

Part 1 | Part 3

NanoPoblano2015 | NaBloPoMo15
Day 11

18 thoughts on “Diagnosed, Part 2

  1. It hurts my heart that so many turned their backs on you…and yet, I understand it as well. Because I know that when *I’m* in the grips of it, I’m very hard work, and not good company. I also know that I couldn’t handle my ex’s depression, at ALL. Yet I am totally okay with it (well, not ‘okay’ – I’d rather she didn’t have it) in my best friend. So that. Perhaps it’s more to do with who we love and how much.

    Liked by 1 person

    • And perhaps I was absolutely unlovable to those who turned their backs on me, or they were just ‘fair weather friends’. Whatever the answer, I must start grieving for the life I thought I had, I hoped I would have, and the one that will never be.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I vacillate between thinking that my ex’s behaviour was intolerable (it was, but not just because of depression, though that was a factor) and that I was going to end up killing myself (possibly before he killed HIM self) and that I was right to cut bait and save myself…and thinking that I was actually the SHITTIEST wife ever, because nothing I could do, and no amount of love, could help him or save him 😦

        As you say though, at this point it’s kind of moot, and we just have to carry on.

        Liked by 1 person

        • Obviously I don’t know your ex on any level, however… I would imagine that his depression was so very consuming that there truly is NOTHING you could have done, no amount of love you could have given, to pull him free. It saddens me that you put so much energy into a person who was too weak to let you go when he clearly knew he was beyond the love of another person. But I am SO GLAD that chapter of your life is coming to an end, and you have so much goodness to look forward to 🙂 even on days it may not seem so!

          Liked by 1 person

  2. I was 13 when I was diagnosed. I honestly don’t remember what I felt, but I remember the ensuing months. I was put in individual and group therapy which I reluctantly took part in. I often fought with my parents when it was time to take my meds. I was an absolute terror and the things going on in my life didn’t help it one bit. It’s crazy to think about it now.

    Liked by 1 person

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