I feel like I’m standing still as life spins and whirls around me at lightning speed.
I get up, get dressed, go to work, come home exhausted, sleep, repeat. I’m lost in the must do’s and can’t seem to find space in my brain for the want to do’s. In the moments I have spare time I lack spare energy.

What frightens me most about my current state of existence, I think this is life. This is what being an adult should be like. I have been hiding from it, unwilling to succumb to it until it happened without my even realizing it.

I don’t recall anyone warning me that being an adult would be this difficult. Trying to make ends meet, balancing time between relationships, work, and self-care. Throw in mental illness, sick pets, a leaky roof, etc… it can get quite overwhelming! I realize now that I grew up sheltered from these adult problems. I also realize now that I am grateful to have grown up sheltered, my childhood was pure for the most part. Yet I am left unprepared to actually be an adult. It is so much harder than I thought it would be.

I believe there is hope. As with anything worth doing well, you must practice. And since there is no time for practice at this point, I have to practice by doing. I’ve only been doing the adult thing, and feeling the full brunt of it, for a short time now. I will find my flow and balance out the kinks. My body and mind will get used to the new schedule and it will no longer feel like my brain is melting inside my skull.  At least I hope so.

3 thoughts on “Stagnant

  1. For what it’s worth, I think everyone feels like this at least part of the time. We all thought we’d have some new information by now, some sort of hint about how to do this. But we’re all just kind of making it up as we go along. And that is so, so exhausting.

    But there’s also comfort in knowing that because of that, there is no way it is “supposed” to be. I don’t know how to apply that information to my life, but it’s true.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Hugs.
    I acknowledge it’s not always pleasant, as you are finding. I think mental health issues contribute most to the feelings of unmanageability. And you are discovering for your own truth that there is no particular way it “should” be – and that is a great healthy thought.
    My own healthy thoughts usually revolve around accepting the current situation as it is. That is not to deny that life could be better, but to accept this moment for what it is without judgement of oneself or of the situation – It is what it is, right now. Be at peace with that, knowing that you are existing, you are alive, no matter the tears, the tiredness, or the trauma you feel. Look after yourself first, take each minute as an opportunity to survive and plan where you want to be. Life can change, life will change. There is hope. Just as you have my love and hope for a lighter day tomorrow.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. There is definitely a monotony to “adult” life. To keep it from getting to me, I always try to either have something to look forward to (even if it’s just something mundane like trying a new recipe later in the week) or learning something new. I think this helps me continually “re-invent” myself so I don’t get too boring. :))

    Liked by 1 person

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