Today I Fight Back

I’ve been so consumed by sadness, it has strangled my ability to speak.

The monster of my depression has been holding me within inches of the fire, torturing my senses, blinding me from all rational thoughts and emotions.

He has not allowed breaks for blogging.

In fact, he’s barely allowed me to continue breathing.

I joke not, friends.  Serious shit happening here.  I could’ve fed an army of minions my snot and tear soup, produced fresh daily, at least the past ten days and counting.

I must be in a state of delirium now, to be so blasé, for this is no laughing matter.  I started thinking about what I would say, and to who, in my death letters.  The part that is laughable, are some of the people I wanted reading something I wrote posthumously.  I think that is something I should discuss with my therapist.

I’m still not entirely convinced that I can get through this major depressive episode.  But I’m far less inclined to end my life tomorrow than I was yesterday, and that’s a start.  Can you fucking imagine how scary that is?!   Realizing that you no longer believe you deserve to live and breathe, deciding that you would actually be improving your loved ones’ lives by removing yourself, and being sure that dying would be less painful than living!

I am a well educated person and I am definitely educated about my disease.  Intellectually I know that I am in the midst of a severe depressive episode and eventually it will pass.  Intellectually I know that I deserve to live and breathe, that my loved ones would be devastated if I died, and that dying is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.  None of that knowledge made a difference, none of it helped me, none of it made me feel any better.

I have never been so close to the edge before.  I felt hopeless and desperately alone.  I felt invisible and mute, exhausted and useless.  But the worst part is it felt, and in a sense it was, entirely out of my control.  That is the nature of depression.  I have a psychiatrist, I have a therapist, I am on medication.  The disease will attack when it wants to attack.

Today I fight back.  Today I don’t want to die.


6 thoughts on “Today I Fight Back

  1. I’ve been feeling so many of those emotions too. Friday was my rock bottom. I survived with the help of my close friends. My biggest help was from a writer friend in London who is going through her own self-harm relapse. She sent a voice message that reached me in a way that all the other written words hadn’t. I’m so sorry you are going through this. I wish life could be a little kinder and gentler to many of us. It makes no sense. You have been in my thoughts, I care for you and I reach out my hand to hold and comfort you through this all. xx

    Liked by 1 person

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